Responding to
difficulties and conflicts
This week we looked into responding to difficulties
and conflicts within the therapeutic relationship, which I found quite a useful
exercise for me. I found it useful in particular to list and reflect on what I
may struggle with, as it enables me to be aware, prepared and knowing of what I
may struggle with going into sessions. Then I can respond in a more calm,
person-centred and safe way so that I can stay supportive to the client and not
get carried away with my own worries, paranoia or feelings that take me away
from the clients needs.
Listing what my own difficulties are I
came up with a few that have affected my already.
1. Coming into sessions
because another agency has made that person do it. This happens a lot in my
drug agency. Social services or even housing can ‘advise’ that it is beneficial
for a client to engage with our service. I imagine this will be the same for
some areas of counselling. Maybe a partner or a has suggested counselling would
help. Perhaps that person wants to want help. I struggle with this because I harbour
quite strong feelings that the client has to want to make changes or be
motivated. In the drug and alcohol field. How I will work with this difficulty
is to know that resistance may be present in this type of client as they enter
the help situation, however it is my role to build a relationship with them and
work with that reality. If they do not really want to be there, then owning
that getting that out in the open and using the time for the best possible
thing would be a positive and honest and congruent way to work with that
person. It may frustrate me a little that the client may not see anything wrong
or any reason to be present, however, that is part of where they are at. I am
ok with that if I give it some thought. Being more ok with these sorts of
things will come in time as I get more normally set at that default position.
2. The drug and alcohol
field is perhaps the place where being person-centred is hardest to justify,
given the amount of harm that can continue if someone doesn’t ‘wake up’. A
person can do a huge amount of harm to themselves, others and society. I also
happen to believe that the impact of drugs and alcohol on the person’s ability
to actually know what is best for them is hugely clouded when a mind-altering
chemical or cycle of addiction is thrown into the mix. A person may well deep
down know that what they are doing is not helping them self-actualise, however,
the cycle of self-medication and feeding the avoidance of withdrawal are very
strong forces to add into a situation. To work with this in counselling I would
hope to let that person know that they needed to be really honest about what
they wanted. I would want them to explore what life would be like without
drugs, and were they ready for that? I would like for the person to explore why
it is that they used drugs? What is it about the current life that is better
for having drugs in it? Given the time and space to do this after we have built
up an honest relationship I would hope that just being ready for change if it
happens is what will make me a supportive person in their life.
3. Stuck hearing the same
historical story. That’s another thing that I can struggle with. In my mind I’m
thinking yes, I hear that, I’ve heard it now 3 going on 4 times. Is there any benefit
from repeating yourself? Is it helpful to you to stay stuck? Is it not
something you can self-monitor so as to avoid telling the same thing to me
again and again? I had a guy tell me repeatedly about how he had been in France
and in a car accident and that was when he lost his grip on things. Now while I
can accept that, it’s not helpful to hear it over and over in my mind. That is
my opinion, and I am ok with that as I feel that it is in the clients interests
to know that my internal narrative will start to throttle him if I hear it
again. That’s a judgement call I am imposing I suppose but its relevant how
that same information will feel if its something that this client does to others
and himself, repeatedly hearing himself grind out the same reasons for how he
is now. I want to be free and able to let that person know what it is like to
hear the same story again. That it’s worth exploring how it is helpful to stay
in the past. How I put that is through extreme kindness and care and caution.
For example – “Leonard, (fictitious name) listening to you it feels like you
have a very firm hold on some traumatic past events. They clearly have had a
massive impact on who you were. When we began the session you stated that you
wanted to move forward and I was wondering how you could achieve that?” I was
wondering how you felt it helped you move forward
4. Things I simply cannot
get my head around will trouble me in a counselling scenario. How will I
respond to a client who presents as having abused a child? Or who has treated
an animal with cruelty? These must be difficult struggles for many counsellors,
if not all. In fact it bothers me somewhat that this makes me somewhat of a
cliché. Why will working with someone who has done something that upsets me,
prove so difficult? Or is it stark ravingly obvious? Should it prove difficult?
Child abuse has become something I can identify with emotionally now, since
having children. I was unable to attach to the act before, now reading it in
the press can reduce me to tears. However, if I was to work with the person who
had committed such an act and they were in front of me, could I see the person
and not the act? I would want to be able to act knowing that whatever that
person had done, it was them acting in the only way they thought that they
could at the time. To them, no matter how awful an act, it seemed like the
right thing to do at the time. It is up to me as the humanistic counsellor to
know that and trust that what they did was not inherently evil, as all people
are inherently good. People have an actualising tendency, although they may
make choices that confound me at times, it must remain my free choice to hold
them in acceptance, otherwise I would need to refer them on to another
counsellor. I would need to raise this in supervision to know if I truly was
doing that or just trying to do that. Explore it by going around and around to
check my motivation. Perhaps I want to test myself, perhaps I am pretending
that I can be accepting, perhaps I am actually able to offer that person the
core conditions? Only good and honest inventory of what I’m doing and why will
open this up.
This week we did a role-play around the
dealing with difficulty. I had a client who was really flustered and brash.
This actually fell right into my strong area and for once I found a role play
really manageable. I met the fluster and bluster with the opposite, calmness. It’s
my strength as a worker. I really that strengths are also weaknesses and so I
need to be mindful that my relaxed approach can work wonders with certain types
of clients, but can lead to being seen as un-boundaried with others. I need to
look at my boundaries in all walks of my life. However on this occasion I took
confidence from the exercise and a much needed confidence boost that I can do
certain parts of the role to a standard.
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