On the Thursday we
looked at the supervision process to explore our understanding of what supervision
actually is for, what we expect from it, what we are getting and a little
further about how and why we have supervision at all. It got me thinking about
the supervision I have been having.
I know that my
supervision has been a necessary part of my practice. I know that its ethical
to have it. Sometimes its good to unpack that and to do so might help me gain
something additional from the sessions.
We can take issues to
supervision and I do. One of the main reasons to have supervision is to reflect
on what’s been said. I might walk straight out of a college day that has been
hard for me such as finding a fellow student challenging to work alongside or
listen to. I can explore that sometimes because its part of the greater me and
serves to look at things that may impact client work. I can bring things that
the client has brought up. This I have been doing a lot lately with a client T.
He has been quite challenging from a philosophical perspective as I have found
myself caught up in his thoughts, trying to work as a helper who might assist
someone to understand their feelings has been a challenge with him. I have
brought many things to supervision regarding T and my supervisor has fed back
to me what he would think may be more therapeutic ways of framing things.
My supervisor has
given me stock phrases which at this part of my training have been extremely
helpful. Just by beginning a phrase with “I’m wondering” for example is much
more gentle and searching than “why don’t you……” which carries the same agenda
for me, but a very different message to the client.
I haven’t actually
begun to explore what’s going on for me much yet in my supervision sessions I
don’t think. I certainly know that its been there. What does an over-thinker
bring up for me? Does it make me feel frustrated for example and why? Is this
healthy? Supportive?
What we could also
expand our time in supervision is via looking at the relationship between the two
of us, the client and the supervisor. This is something that I will bring in to
sessions as something to talk about and get greater understanding from I think.
Is there counter-transference going on? What does he feel about the
relationship that we have? I think it would be interesting to explore this with
a trained counsellor.
The Saturday Workshop
5.1.1
I don’t really
understand the concept of self. I don’t quite get it. Am I a collection of
thoughts and feelings which I need to expunge onto paper or in words and to try
to make sense of these I will somehow gain an understanding of Rogerian
theoretical jargon?
Am I all my
experiences and learned behaviours and responses? Is this who I am?
I’m scared of committing
anything down on paper because of a fear a failure or missing something or
getting it wrong or not getting it quite right.
How can I begin to
describe who I am if I can’t remember everything. I’m unfortunately one of those
people who don’t rehearse positive events and old memories and so I am largely
a collection of neuroses and regrets. Yet this is not how I want to describe
myself so I do not.
In this workshop we
looked at the theory of self and we talked about how we saw ourselves and then
related this to our core theoretical model, person centred theory. This meant
looking at how we saw ourselves, what we thought our state of being was such as
our conditions of worth and how these impacted us.
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I thought about how I
have always had conditions of worth around being a high achiever and this being
valued I think, by myself. I’ve always been told by my parents, especially my
mother and my grandparents that I was capable and thus should always do more,
be top of the class, be heard the loudest in a choir and win competitions. Its
been tiring but motivating to live this way. It has caused me to feel quite
confused when life hasn’t worked out as I planned because I expected it to be a
lot easier being told time and time again how clever I was. I realise now having
been a teacher for example but more importantly having been alive for long
enough, that it is unhelpful to place these sorts of values on a child and
those expectations and those conditions of worth as I valued success not the
work hard ethic to gain it. I’ve always understood the words in the phrase
‘genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration’ but I never worked out how to
really understand it. This kinda sums up how my life was for so long until it
didn’t work out and I found myself confused and lost seeking solace in being
intoxicated (although there were many other reasons for finding drugs and
alcohol) because in that state there is no confusion.
Is this why I am
always striving for the next goal, and never content in my current state of
being. Does this impact my family as I’m always trying to better myself and
never settling for what I do have and enjoying it for what it is. I cant. That
would be crippling and lazy and drive me insane with guilt. For that reason I
must keep moving forward. The only times I have been able to remain stationary
is when I have been too unwell for various reasons to move forward in life and
so I have made it ok to not be, and adjusted my goals as and when.
I have spoken before on this
course about the impact of carrying conditions of worth around having to
achieve, be the best and never being allowed to fail. As well as getting a
degree. Becoming a musician. Being some sort of undefined qualified person was
always my unspoken goal handed to me by my parent and my family. I feel that I
went to university to please my parents. I know I did. I wasn’t anywhere near
emotionally ready or motivated or convinced. I went because I had no other plan
as this was the only thing they wanted me to do. It scares me how important it
is to please my parent even now.
Its important for me to know that
they are happy with my life choices and family and job and such like. I lack
the freedom to just go it alone and do something else. For this reason sad
though it was I was actually relieved when my dads father died. He had been
such a dominant force on the whole family for so many years that when he’s gone
(about 3 years ago) it was easier. There was one less person asking why when I
made decisions. That was a relief. He had placed a huge amount of conditions of
worth upon me, and very much so to all the other members of the family too. I
felt that often my dad wanted me to do things a certain way so that his dad
would be ok with it.
The experience of my teenage years, moratorium and early adulthood were
nothing short of a battle to me, which left me feeling still to this day quite
embattled. Less and less so though as I work to understand it and know it was
ok not to do all the things I was ‘supposed to.’
It is very hard for me to look back at living with the drives to achieve
throughout my early adulthood such as forcing myself to go to university only
for it not to end well, and then despite everything not learning that was not
for me and doing it all again with any kind of positive self-regard as I did
not value or respect myself for such a long time. What I actually valued,
happiness, contentment and creativity and enjoyment for the sake of it was and
perhaps is impossible to achieve given my socio-economic starting point. The
effect of this process and where it has left me has created quite an impatient
person, a frustrated person and yet at the same time quite a mature and
realistic person.
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We also did some worksheets. I explained on one how I found myself. I
described myself as emotional as I know I am, as simple as I think I am quite
straightforward and that I believe myself to be in love with my family and
connected to them in a way that makes it impossible to imagine them not being
around. I also described myself as quite weak at time and easily unbalanced. I
feel that my locus of evaluation is still brittle depending on how robust I am
feeling. I am not able to automatically know what is best or what is my own
feeling, and what has been a feeling that I have created from others pressures.
There is plenty I do not like about being me. That I can fail to enjoy
the moment, struggle to feel satiated and satisfied and always want to improve
upon a state. This can make joy and happiness darn hard to experience. I can
get thing in my life such as shoes or a car but then the goals is always next,
not to enjoy what is. For this I know that my locus of evaluation is not truly
internal and is a process of growing my own trust and confidence in my own
okness.
On the other hand I do like my compassion for others, my thoughtfulness
and my analytical mind. I do not attach some kind of intelligence to this more
that I just enjoy being as analytical as I can be and that’s who I am. For that
much I am ok with being this way.
I guess that I am developing a more internal locus of evaluation,
gradually. I am able to differentiate what are my real goals and values. I can
separate what were placed upon me and what I really want now I hope.
Also I am more able to listen to others when they give me feedback and
know what is there stuff sometimes. Its not a done deal but it does get easier
I think, partly though age but also through reflection and realism, which of
course come with effort and time. However I got to thinking, when it comes to
the opinions of others and the opinions of yourself, who’s to say where your
opinions came from originally. Take my taste in clothes for example. Am I
comfortable wearing what I want, or am I wearing what I want because it is what
I know will make me feel comfortable as it happens to coincide with the path of
least resistance or most acceptance or perhaps it buys me into a micro-culture.
