Learning Journal 30-31

On the Thursday we looked at the supervision process to explore our understanding of what supervision actually is for, what we expect from it, what we are getting and a little further about how and why we have supervision at all. It got me thinking about the supervision I have been having.

I know that my supervision has been a necessary part of my practice. I know that its ethical to have it. Sometimes its good to unpack that and to do so might help me gain something additional from the sessions.

We can take issues to supervision and I do. One of the main reasons to have supervision is to reflect on what’s been said. I might walk straight out of a college day that has been hard for me such as finding a fellow student challenging to work alongside or listen to. I can explore that sometimes because its part of the greater me and serves to look at things that may impact client work. I can bring things that the client has brought up. This I have been doing a lot lately with a client T. He has been quite challenging from a philosophical perspective as I have found myself caught up in his thoughts, trying to work as a helper who might assist someone to understand their feelings has been a challenge with him. I have brought many things to supervision regarding T and my supervisor has fed back to me what he would think may be more therapeutic ways of framing things.

My supervisor has given me stock phrases which at this part of my training have been extremely helpful. Just by beginning a phrase with “I’m wondering” for example is much more gentle and searching than “why don’t you……” which carries the same agenda for me, but a very different message to the client.

I haven’t actually begun to explore what’s going on for me much yet in my supervision sessions I don’t think. I certainly know that its been there. What does an over-thinker bring up for me? Does it make me feel frustrated for example and why? Is this healthy? Supportive?

What we could also expand our time in supervision is via looking at the relationship between the two of us, the client and the supervisor. This is something that I will bring in to sessions as something to talk about and get greater understanding from I think. Is there counter-transference going on? What does he feel about the relationship that we have? I think it would be interesting to explore this with a trained counsellor.

The Saturday Workshop

5.1.1

I don’t really understand the concept of self. I don’t quite get it. Am I a collection of thoughts and feelings which I need to expunge onto paper or in words and to try to make sense of these I will somehow gain an understanding of Rogerian theoretical jargon?

Am I all my experiences and learned behaviours and responses? Is this who I am?

I’m scared of committing anything down on paper because of a fear a failure or missing something or getting it wrong or not getting it quite right.

How can I begin to describe who I am if I can’t remember everything. I’m unfortunately one of those people who don’t rehearse positive events and old memories and so I am largely a collection of neuroses and regrets. Yet this is not how I want to describe myself so I do not.

In this workshop we looked at the theory of self and we talked about how we saw ourselves and then related this to our core theoretical model, person centred theory. This meant looking at how we saw ourselves, what we thought our state of being was such as our conditions of worth and how these impacted us.

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I thought about how I have always had conditions of worth around being a high achiever and this being valued I think, by myself. I’ve always been told by my parents, especially my mother and my grandparents that I was capable and thus should always do more, be top of the class, be heard the loudest in a choir and win competitions. Its been tiring but motivating to live this way. It has caused me to feel quite confused when life hasn’t worked out as I planned because I expected it to be a lot easier being told time and time again how clever I was. I realise now having been a teacher for example but more importantly having been alive for long enough, that it is unhelpful to place these sorts of values on a child and those expectations and those conditions of worth as I valued success not the work hard ethic to gain it. I’ve always understood the words in the phrase ‘genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration’ but I never worked out how to really understand it. This kinda sums up how my life was for so long until it didn’t work out and I found myself confused and lost seeking solace in being intoxicated (although there were many other reasons for finding drugs and alcohol) because in that state there is no confusion.

Is this why I am always striving for the next goal, and never content in my current state of being. Does this impact my family as I’m always trying to better myself and never settling for what I do have and enjoying it for what it is. I cant. That would be crippling and lazy and drive me insane with guilt. For that reason I must keep moving forward. The only times I have been able to remain stationary is when I have been too unwell for various reasons to move forward in life and so I have made it ok to not be, and adjusted my goals as and when.

I have spoken before on this course about the impact of carrying conditions of worth around having to achieve, be the best and never being allowed to fail. As well as getting a degree. Becoming a musician. Being some sort of undefined qualified person was always my unspoken goal handed to me by my parent and my family. I feel that I went to university to please my parents. I know I did. I wasn’t anywhere near emotionally ready or motivated or convinced. I went because I had no other plan as this was the only thing they wanted me to do. It scares me how important it is to please my parent even now.

Its important for me to know that they are happy with my life choices and family and job and such like. I lack the freedom to just go it alone and do something else. For this reason sad though it was I was actually relieved when my dads father died. He had been such a dominant force on the whole family for so many years that when he’s gone (about 3 years ago) it was easier. There was one less person asking why when I made decisions. That was a relief. He had placed a huge amount of conditions of worth upon me, and very much so to all the other members of the family too. I felt that often my dad wanted me to do things a certain way so that his dad would be ok with it.

The experience of my teenage years, moratorium and early adulthood were nothing short of a battle to me, which left me feeling still to this day quite embattled. Less and less so though as I work to understand it and know it was ok not to do all the things I was ‘supposed to.’

It is very hard for me to look back at living with the drives to achieve throughout my early adulthood such as forcing myself to go to university only for it not to end well, and then despite everything not learning that was not for me and doing it all again with any kind of positive self-regard as I did not value or respect myself for such a long time. What I actually valued, happiness, contentment and creativity and enjoyment for the sake of it was and perhaps is impossible to achieve given my socio-economic starting point. The effect of this process and where it has left me has created quite an impatient person, a frustrated person and yet at the same time quite a mature and realistic person.

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We also did some worksheets. I explained on one how I found myself. I described myself as emotional as I know I am, as simple as I think I am quite straightforward and that I believe myself to be in love with my family and connected to them in a way that makes it impossible to imagine them not being around. I also described myself as quite weak at time and easily unbalanced. I feel that my locus of evaluation is still brittle depending on how robust I am feeling. I am not able to automatically know what is best or what is my own feeling, and what has been a feeling that I have created from others pressures.

There is plenty I do not like about being me. That I can fail to enjoy the moment, struggle to feel satiated and satisfied and always want to improve upon a state. This can make joy and happiness darn hard to experience. I can get thing in my life such as shoes or a car but then the goals is always next, not to enjoy what is. For this I know that my locus of evaluation is not truly internal and is a process of growing my own trust and confidence in my own okness.

On the other hand I do like my compassion for others, my thoughtfulness and my analytical mind. I do not attach some kind of intelligence to this more that I just enjoy being as analytical as I can be and that’s who I am. For that much I am ok with being this way.

I guess that I am developing a more internal locus of evaluation, gradually. I am able to differentiate what are my real goals and values. I can separate what were placed upon me and what I really want now I hope.

Also I am more able to listen to others when they give me feedback and know what is there stuff sometimes. Its not a done deal but it does get easier I think, partly though age but also through reflection and realism, which of course come with effort and time. However I got to thinking, when it comes to the opinions of others and the opinions of yourself, who’s to say where your opinions came from originally. Take my taste in clothes for example. Am I comfortable wearing what I want, or am I wearing what I want because it is what I know will make me feel comfortable as it happens to coincide with the path of least resistance or most acceptance or perhaps it buys me into a micro-culture.