Learning Journal 1

Treatment only works if we have a desire to know ourselves, as we are, not how we would like to be. This is a quote from Hannibal, a series I am watching at the moment. It rings very true for me in my role at work but also the new role I will have in this course. I think that I will have a role as someone who will benefit from self-awareness and self-knowledge as the role of supporting others will benefit from that. To know this in advance makes me feel worried and excited.

I am worried because I do not know if self-awareness can be achieved safely. Will others and I like what comes out? I am excited because I am motivated to grow and have enjoyed developing along these lines in the past. I recognise that all times of our life are an opportunity to grow but that the luxury of introspection we have as counselling students is a real chance to fast-track the journey of self-awareness.

I was quite comfortable and relaxed about beginning this new course, in fact it came around without any feelings of anticipation of the event. I guess I have a confidence that I can achieve this level of study, a confidence in my ability to apply myself to do the work and a knowledge that I am in the right place in my life to make this commitment. This is a welcome change for me to begin something as monumental as this on such a good base as in previous courses and years I would have lacked this foundation.

I felt almost a sense of duty on the day to attend rather than nervousness or excitement. This was brought to my attention during the check-out as almost everybody seemed to repeat the mantra of being nervous and now tired. I found myself questioning. Should I be nervous? Perhaps I should have been more nervous. And other questions. The feeling is of self-doubt. Its uncomfortable but I’m pleased it lasts less time than perhaps in the past. What I feel may be what has changed is my ability of self-talk to question the questions. I have internal phrases that interrupt overly negative thoughts. Plus ultimately as I get older I simply have less and less time on the planet and I worry less and less as I will be around for proportionally less time with every year. So there is a growing feeling of perspective that I wish had accompanied me in my former years.

It felt like old times, assessing the people in the room. We all begin as equals and in these early stages the same patterns emerge from others and myself. I spent the majority of the day watching and judging. Watching and assessing. What was I looking for? I divided the group into 2 types of people, men and women. The men I can make direct comparisons to. Perhaps I am sizing up the competition? Competition for what?

I am aware of myself micromanaging my responses and not allowing myself the freedom to go with gut instincts. I feel that many of my ‘instinctual’ responses or programmed ones are not terribly socially acceptable so I am reserved in new groups. I am aware of being highly critical of myself and unfortunately of others and it is one of my biggest battles.

One incident will stick with me from the opening day in particular. One lady was very assured about a fact concerning levels of study. She confidently broadcast her assertion that a degree was a level 4 qualification. I had a hunch this was not high enough but had doubts. I suspected level 5, having the experience of briefly studying at post grad and getting work handed back at level 6 and 7. I googled this and found out to my delight that it was even higher than I thought, a level 6 no less. Now I was left with a feeling of an urge in me to correct the person. I recognize this in me before. I have been in this position many times in the past as I’m sure many of us are daily and if I spoke up to inform the group I knew there would be negative consequences, so didn’t. For me the pattern would follow an immediate release of tension when the jarring error is corrected, then a fallout as I end up regretting needing to correct. I was able to sit with the feelings to not correct largely although I did whisper the info to my student next door and to the tutor. I couldn’t quite contain myself. That feels a little disappointing.

The group as a whole is quite female orientated, as I expected. I felt a sense of normality to the selection of people although also a sense of ‘here we go again’ as the issues with group storming and norming will be going on. It is a bigger group than I would like, purely for practical reasons. This really had an impact when we went round the room to speak on an individual basis. I am afraid to say I tended to zone out if I couldn’t see their face and or they spoke about superficial content, which I checked out with myself a few times. I am confident that given the environment and sitting still for so long, I forgive myself this indiscretion. We were all highly managed in our presentation and it is early days to be wanting both myself and a group of new faces to be focusing on process rather than content. However, I will try to push myself to do this as I want to explore.

I was really pleased to be sat next to a lady called Gina because she seemed really easy for me to get along with. She was very easy to have an opinion in front of and that was relaxing. I am opinionated. Perhaps we are all opinionated but what I mean is that I find a current of frustration that has burdened me over my adult life tends to drive my judgmental side and my tolerance levels, lower than they could be. My opinions can be too much of a release almost as I perhaps don’t let them out as often as I could do.

Being opinionated in recent years for me might be negativity borne of this frustration. I feel that my frustrations are a disappointment in a lack of personal growth and achievement throughout my life. I know that I have not measured up to what I expected I would become. Life turned out harder than I expected. I disengaged with my life progress and actively bettering myself around the age of 13 or 14 and never really picked up speed again until I was able to stop self-medicating in around 2006. The frustrations and negativity that are still a residual part of me may well come from the resentments I built up as I struggled with low income, poor health, less than ideal mental states, chaotic and immediate-needs driven behaviors and poor relationships and failures.

Now I have enough money to walk into Morrisons and buy whatever I want. I have a role in society that is positive. I have a family. I can worry about increasing levels of moss on my lawn. Life is wonderful, yet I still carry residual amounts of negativity, judgementalness and can be opinionated. Sometimes its really hard to connect to the good stuff and what it means. Its possible this is what some of my clients go through when they become entrenched in addiction. Working as a recovery worker I see people on a daily basis who might fail to see anything worth leaving their addiction behind for. Even when you have left it behind it can be difficult to connect with how good life really is. Possibly clients in addiction may be struggling to feel this contentment with what they have and always be chasing something more?

We are all of us judgmental but I feel my judgments could be less harsh and more I recognize that this can make me very reticent to speak as the effort is spent not on forming an opinion or articulating my opinions but constantly filtering out what is suitable for the audience. My experiences of sharing opinions has been quite mixed over the years. In some instances it can be amusing and welcomed, but also being opinioned can be very off-putting and possibly push people away.  Sadly though as I mixed up the starting time I spent the whole day positioned by the escape hatch, which I found really uncomfortable as I have my back to the entrance and cannot see oncoming threats. I will move away to a different chair next week.